Behaviors often described as “challenging,” such as meltdowns, refusals, shutdowns or withdrawals, are often a child’s way of communicating that something feels hard. How adults respond in those moments matters. When reactions are driven by urgency or frustration, the underlying issue can be missed. Approaching behavior with curiosity and warmth creates more space for understanding what a child is really trying to tell us. Maybe your child or teen has been labeled as “defiant,” “challenging,” “lazy” or “unmotivated.” Mary Coburn, a founder of Sound Space Sound Youth Neurodiversity Collective in Tumwater, encourages parents to pause in those moments and approach behavior with curiosity, working alongside their child to understand what may be getting in the way.
“It’s like being a detective,” Coburn says. “You figure out what the problem is by collaborating with the person who is having the difficulty and helping them meet the expectation.”
A Local Perspective on Understanding Challenging Behaviors as Meaningful Communication
Coburn is a certified and licensed speech-language pathologist with over 15 years of experience helping children, teens and their families. Sound Space is a local, neurodiversity-affirming collective that brings together licensed providers offering a range of perspectives across therapy, coaching, evaluation, and education.
“Behavior is communication,” Colburn says. “Our jobs as adults are to help figure that out with them.”
While some children are able to explain what feels hard for them, some are not, but that does not mean the problem is unknown. When children can’t put their experience into words, adults may need to slow down and take a closer look at what might be getting in the way. That kind of curiosity allows adults to respond in a way that’s more thoughtful and less reactive, rather than rushing to fix the behavior itself. Coburn notes that it’s also important to consider what happens over time, not just in the moment. For example, systems of punishments or rewards may reduce a behavior temporarily, but they don’t always lead to lasting change. “We need to do the work to support long-term outcomes,” she says.
When Assumptions and Diagnoses Get in the Way of Understanding
As both a parent and a provider, Coburn understands firsthand how difficult it can be to navigate what are often described as “challenging behaviors” or “defiance.” She emphasizes that parents are doing their best while managing very real stress and uncertainty, and that every family’s experience is different. While a diagnosis can be important and helpful, Coburn notes that it can sometimes lead to assumptions about how a child should be understood or how adults should respond.
Rather than relying on diagnosis alone to explain behavior, she encourages adults to pause and look more closely at what may be getting in the way in that moment. “We have to put on our thinking caps to figure out what the problem is,” she explains. “That means looking at the facts of the situation, without jumping to judgments and assumptions.”
Coburn notes that even when children share similar diagnoses, families may need to respond in different ways. To illustrate, the phrase pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is sometimes used as shorthand to describe situations where a child has a particularly hard time with demands. For some families, the term can be helpful in naming shared experiences. At the same time, it does not necessarily clarify what is driving the behavior in a specific moment or what might help in that situation.
Coburn offers another example of a child who struggles to keep their room clean. What can look like a single problem at first glance may actually involve several different challenges. Looking more closely might show that some parts of the room are manageable while others are not, and that each may be difficult for a different reason. Breaking the task down can make it easier to understand what’s getting in the way and how to respond more effectively. “If you really break it down, a messy bed may not be the same problem as a messy desk,” she explains.
A Shift Toward Listening and Collaboration
Coburn suggests that listening to the child is another neutral and important way to gather more information. “Detective work can’t be done to a child, it has to include them.” she explains. “It has to involve the person who is having a difficult time.” When children feel unheard or dismissed, behavior can escalate. Taking time to truly listen to a child’s perspective can open the door to a more effective approach and be one step toward a calmer path forward. “Change comes in small chunks,” she says.
Coburn also identifies with parents who are exhausted or who have been trying for years to address a child’s or a teen’s behavior. “I have been in that situation,” she says. “To be fair to them, they are trying. They are often following the guidance of what they have been given, such as ‘if you do this, then you will see this,’ rather than slowing down and putting their detective hat on.” She adds that shifting perspective can help include viewing behavior as communication, not letting a diagnosis become the whole explanation, and approaching challenges collaboratively rather than trying to solve them alone.
Sound Space exists to support thoughtful conversations like this, inviting families to slow down, reflect, and approach behavior with curiosity rather than urgency. Coburn hopes this perspective helps parents feel less alone when behavior feels hard.
Sound Space
(Formerly Sound Youth Neurodiversity Collective)
344 Cleveland Ave SE, Suite F, Tumwater
info@soundyouthcollective.org
Sponsored
