Ask your kids what they got for Christmas last year. “It might be clothing they’ve been wearing, but it’s not the toys that they remember. However, they do remember what they did and how they spent their time,” says Cary Hamilton, owner and therapist at Olympia Therapy. Memories include a funny incident like the burnt apple pie, playing charades with the cousins, or moments spent admiring the tree lights. Your season could be noticeably less stressful when focus moves off capturing some perfect holiday shot for social media (elusive at best) and changes to a focus on having fun. “Time, above all else without expectation, will make a deep difference,” coaches Cary.
Olympia Therapy Suggests, ‘Think Connection over Cost’
The economy is often stress-inducing, and almost everything cost more than it did before. “We’ve been hearing a lot from youth with financial worries in their families,” reports Cary. Many children are conscientious about money. She listens to young people who say, “I want this, but I won’t ask for it. I don’t need anything.” That doesn’t mean they want to ignore the holidays. We want to have a sense of belonging and to feel that we are enough. When the economy and financial circumstances are challenging, it is important to realize that emotional needs can be met anyway.
Ironically, parents are often thinking, “If I can give my child what they want and create that magical experience, my child will be happy, satisfied, and have all their emotional needs met as well.” Parents carry forward their own needs and memories from past holidays. It’s easy to see why stress piles up. Even the thought of dealing with emotional needs can feel stressful to many parents.
Consider making more choices for connections (time together) over buying gifts. “The thought of spending more time with your children brings anxiety to some parents,” says Cary. Take a breath. Then talk with your children about activities they like to do and who they like to do them with. Are there traditions they have enjoyed in the past? Are there hopes for certain foods? Then, be sure to stop talking. It’s time for parents to listen. You might say, “Tell me more or fill me in.” And listen some more.
“There are many collaborative projects families can do together,” suggest Cary. Craft stores can be a source of inspiration. You might make a gift together and give it to someone else. A handmade card or a sincere letter to a friend or loved one can be heartfelt and satisfying in ways that a store-bought purchase does not convey. Your family can pick a movie to watch together while enjoying popcorn and cocoa. Decorate a pre-made gingerbread house.
Cary’s daughter and her group of friends are celebrating a 16th birthday. In lieu of typical presents, they decided to write personal letters to the birthday girl to put in a memento book she may cherish for years. They are going to an escape room and then have dinner together. Their time together will be the best gift.
Talk May be Cheap, But Invaluable Shares Olympia Family Therapist
“Kids talk about everything,” notes Cary. “Bullies, anxiety, depression, friends, if friends have food.” Parents do a service to their children when they are willing to listen to all these sometimes-difficult topics. It’s not about giving advice or recalling your own youthful stories. It may be giving information. If you’d don’t listen and engage, who will? Listening to other’s concerns help the speaker to feel seen and heard. When parents avoid topics, you can be sure kids will get the information from somewhere else. Who do you want informing your children?
“Don’t wait for a catastrophic event,” suggests Cary. She encourages parents to be brave to talk about everything. “It’s okay to grieve or have sadness,” she adds. Talking about mental health in general is helpful for everyone. Here’s another tip: Rather than ask, “What’s wrong?” a parent may notice something and report on that. “I see you barely touched your dinner.” Then wait for the response. “I just heard you give a big sigh.” Wait for the answer. Parents want to advise and fix, and often your child really wants to be seen and heard.
Change is Okay, Says Olympia Therapy, and So is Saying ‘No’
In the past, Cary and her family spent Christmas time in Hawaii. This year they are staying in Olympia. She decided to inject a bit of the island spirit in the office with thematic decorations. Everyone will get a paper surfboard (actual size) to decorate and put on their door. It’s all about the holidays but different than before. Staff will get paper, crayons and other art supplies to create their own expressions. It will be an office activity, and the results will be on display for all who come in. It’s time together for fun. It is different than other years, and that is okay.
During COVID, the introverts had a ready reason to decline social engagements with family and/or friends. They didn’t have to explain. This season you could offer limited finances for a reason to decline. You could also simply say you are choosing to spend more time at home with your family. It all goes back to being willing to care for your well-being and that of your family. It can be a relief to just say, “No thank you.”
The joys of the holidays can be found in moments together. No wrapping required.
Visit the Olympia Therapy website to learn more about their services and other helpful tips for family cohesion.
Olympia Therapy
1534 Bishop Road SW, Tumwater
360.357.2370
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