Parents are presented with on-going challenges and opportunities as their children move through developmental stages. Summer is upon us, and parents are mired in unrealistic expectations for themselves and their children. Olympia Therapy finds parents are burnt out themselves and having difficulties with their children who are anxious and over-scheduled. Everyone’s mental health seems stressed. What’s going on?
How Do Kids Learn? Are you Helping or Hindering?
Throughout the school year, when it was time to leave the house, mom or dad regularly queried their child, “Do you have your homework? Your lunch? Your coat? Your phone? Your money?” Summer comes and you are all heading out. You neglect to ask the litany of items. You are way down the road when one of your youth pipes up, “I don’t have lunch.” Or “I forgot my sweater.” Frustration arises. The parent wonders, “Haven’t we practiced this enough so that you would remember?!” Results would show, “No.”
Your children might have heard you say all the things to remember during the school year. However, they did not have the experience for being responsible themselves for getting together what they needed and then face the consequences (later in the day) when they didn’t have their homework or their lunch. This is the way to learn the importance of remembering and being prepared.
Alternative, Learning Approach to Nagging
Cary Hamilton, therapist and owner of Olympia Therapy, suggests before leaving for the day, the parent ask, “Do you have everything you need for the day?” Then let the kids get whatever those things are. Later in the day when they realized what they forget and call you to fix it, you have empathy for their discomfort, but you don’t rescue them. You children will survive forgetting their lunch and will more likely remember the next time.
“When you ask your child 10 times and they still don’t do it, it’s not the child who has the problem,” says Cary. It’s the parent. It’s a power struggle, which is the role of the child to initiate. The adult can recognize this and pivot. A child says, “I can’t.” Does that mean they don’t want to or that they lack the knowledge? Cary uses these situations to ask, “Can I teach you how?” That changes the dynamic. Then, the parent needs to be willing to take the time to teach it, whether it is separating laundry and loading up the machine or making a peanut butter sandwich.
Children Excel at Manipulating Parents
“Kids shame their parents,” explains Cary. It is a strategy to get what they want. In times past, parents could hang up the phone to end a conversation with their children. Now children whine via texting threads. One technique is to hound parents until they relent. “You are horrible. I never get to do things with my friends. I already have a ride. My homework is done.” The list goes on. Parents tire of this an end up saying, “Enough. You can do it.”
“Parents don’t want to see their kids struggle,” she says, but addressing struggles are opportunities to hold parental ground on boundaries and let children learn about consequences. Parenting is not about being your child’s best friend.
Parents can overcompensate or undercompensate – consider different choices.
Financial Stresses and Uncertainties Fuel Decisions for Summer Activities
“This year finances are more of an issue,” says Cary. “Summer is here, and parents are not prepared.” Many summer camps required early registration, and fees were too expensive for the budget. Parents felt fear that their child would miss out on vital education opportunities, have learning loss over the summer, and complain about being bored. Driven by guilt, some chose to spend anyway, exceeding the budget. Others became angry and made no plans.
Your children have some awareness of the family’s financial situation and yet are probably not privy to every detail. It could be helpful for everyone to have conversations about how much money there is to spend on summer activities and what family members’ priorities are. Usually, people get some of what they want but not everything. That is okay. Summer might be a time to take feet off acceleration pedals and tone life down by making time for rest and relaxation.
Children need to learn to manage money to be well-functioning adults. When youth have cards to use with unlimited funds, they really have no idea how to manage it. It is a skill to learn. Your child can be given a budget and then they make choices. They might buy friends breakfast and not have money for their own lunch. You don’t bail them out. Limits and reaching them are learning opportunities. It is a hard lesson to learn how much things cost, and that life is not magically paid for.
Finding Balance
Being hyper-scheduled is stressful for the whole family. Let summer be a time for breathing room, time outside, time with friends and time together.
What’s Kids do At Various Ages
Tantrums, sassy talk, body coordination and much more change as a child grows up. Every child is not on the same timeline, but brain development runs along a path that correlates with age. Olympia Therapy gives info for ages 2-11 about development in the brain, with relationship, with the body and emotion. There are tips for every age and guidelines when outside help may be needed.
Sign Up for Playful Wisdom for Parental Support Through the Summer – It’s Free
The weekly posts from Playful Wisdom will guide you through the typical progression of summer with your children. The eight-week Summer of Connection program is free. You can go to the Olympia Therapy website to sign up. The website has many insightful articles, too.
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