The Comfort Letter – Writing Notes of Love to Accompany Non-Perishable Items

comfort letter
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By Nikki McCoy

putnam lieb logoIt’s that time of year again, to find the coveted Ticonderoga pencils, search out the fine-tip Crayola’s and the Star Wars spiral notebooks, making sure the kid’s have everything they need for a successful new school year.

But what about the “other” part of the school supply list?

At Olympia area schools, an Emergency Preparedness Kit is required. The daunting request that parents provide non-perishable food items, water bottles and a space blanket in case of emergency.

emergency kit school
A few staples for an Emergency Kit.

And at most schools, a family photo and letter from home for comfort, are also required.

“The number one reason we ask parents to do this is that there is always a possibility of disaster,” says Jeff Carpenter, health and fitness director for Olympia School District. “We want them to be prepared, and to individualize (the emergency kit) with something specific is good for the kids…the whole thing is to have the kids in a situation where they are as comfortable as possible.”

I don’t know about you, but this is where my super mom skills come to a halt. Yes, I can find the must-have tissue box, and even pick out one with a fancy design, but write a letter to my kiddo in case we are separated for days on end? How will I relay such a big topic to such a little kid? And how do I keep myself from crying while doing it?

This is where I call in the professionals.

“Two things come to mind for these types of situations,” says Lillie McCatty, licensed mental health counselor and state recognized child mental health specialist  “One is about co-regulation, for example, my baby is calm when I’m calm. The other is about addressing your child where he or she is at.”

“Co-regulation is something we can see really clearly in babies,” she continues. “For example if my baby starts fussing, and I get upset, my baby fusses more, but if my baby starts fussing, and I’m calm, with a soothing presence, the baby is likely to calm as well.  This type of emotional dependence and learning continues into school years.”

Remember that your child is looking to your letter to figure out how to respond to this crisis, so keep calm and hopeful, McCatty recommends. Don’t promise things you aren’t sure you can deliver. And offer confident words of encouragement and validation.

McCatty suggests including phrases like:

  • “I know you’re scared, but I also know you are brave and strong.”
  • “I’m doing everything I can to make sure we can be together again soon.”
  • “I’m so glad you are safe at school with your friends and teachers. I know they are taking good care of you while we’re apart.”

Another mental health professional, Candyce Bollinger, a counselor and parent-educator for over 30 years, echoes McCatty’s advice.

how to write comfort letter school
I turned to two local professionals for help on crafting my Comfort Letter that will be placed in the Emergency Kit.

“A couple things come to mind that are helpful when writing a comfort letter,” says Bollinger. “I think it’s important to reassure and remind children how many people they have to take care of them. Especially if they are separated, it’s important to feel they have a circle of caring.”

“I also think it’s super important for parents to view their children as resilient in times like this,” she adds. “So when they write these letters, they should be empowering, and that has to start with the parents viewing their children as resilient and not as fragile as they may feel.”

“It might be useful for parents to remind their children of specific tools they may have, specific strengths, so they have some sense of empowerment,” continues Bollinger.

Parent Justin Wright has written comfort letters every year for his son, a fifth-grader at ORLA Montessori School.

“It makes me sad to even consider a time may come when that is his only connection to us,” reflects Wright. “I also feel proud of the work we’ve done toward building his confidence and perseverance.”

“He has grown so much in the last year I will be able to point out ways he has overcome tasks he thought would be impossible,” continues Wright.  “He’s taken solo bus rides, successfully started a camp fire, been independent at music festivals, and tried new foods… things that could translate into emergency level skills. Also his sense of humor and cooperation will help others who are also feeling fear.”

Thanks to these awesome Olympia resources, I have a better understanding of this whole letter thing. I feel more secure sending my kids to school, one as a big third-grader, the other, my baby, will start kindergarten.

Now, where’s that fancy tissue box? I think I’ve got something in my eye.

 

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