Quality Family Time is in the Details

Preschool teacher and child
Come visit Community Christian Preschool and Childcare during their upcoming open house. Photo courtesy: Northwest Christian Private Schools
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Submitted by Gyro Psychology Services

seabrookWith the holiday season upon us, it’s a bit easier to think about “spending some quality time with the kids.” During this time of year, families are often doing all sorts of fun things together, like cutting down Christmas trees, making decorations for the house, and baking treats for the family to enjoy together. When kids and teens are out of school for winter break, there is even more time for families to spend together.

But what about every other month of the year? Sure, we go on weekend outings to the zoo, or we take family vacations during the summer, but how good are we at spending daily quality time with our kids? If you’re anything like most parents, this is probably one area you find yourself lacking in. After all, it is hard to carve out time and money to spend on a daily basis on our children. But here is the good news: quality family time does not require a lot of money, nor does it require much of your time. And the best part is yet to come: the more of this quality time you spend with your kids, the better their behavior is likely to be, the better the relationship you are likely to have with them, and the happier your family is likely to be.

What is meant by “quality time?”

We work with all kinds of kids, teens, and their families here at Gyro Psychology Services, and this is probably one of the most common things we are telling parents, right off the bat: spend 10-15 minutes per day playing with and/or listening to your child. Let us explain.

If there is one thing we can all agree on, it is that most kids like attention, and they love to be in control. No matter what age your child is, it is almost invariably true that he or she is someone who wants to be heard and wants things done their way, at least to a certain degree. (In all honesty, isn’t that what we all crave?)

The problem is, most kids and teens are not allowed to have their way most of the time. They have to get up and ready for school when their parents tell them to, sit down and work when their teachers tell them to, do their homework like their teachers and parents tell them to, eat this dinner that their parents made for them, etcetera, etcetera. And furthermore, our kids, regardless of their age, do not typically feel heard by the most important authority figures in their lives. When they have something to say, their parents are sometimes too busy to listen to the details, or (let’s face it) too concerned with getting through the nightly routine to really listen to the stories they want to share.

Here is what we propose: For 10-15 minutes each day, engage with your child or teen by following their lead, for once.Preschool teacher and child

Practically engaging with your children

For younger kiddos (ages 2 through 8), this means sitting down and playing with your child the way he or she likes to play. During this time, you literally follow their lead. Instead of asking questions (e.g., “What’s that you’re making?”), putting demands on them (e.g., “You should make a battleship”), or turning play time into some kind of test (e.g., “What color is this?”), simply do what your child does. Reflect on it by commenting on what you see (e.g., “Oh, I see you’re drawing a horse”), imitate it by doing it yourself, and praise your child for playing so quietly and calmly. This kind of play shows your youngster that you are paying attention to them, you are interested in what they are doing, you are happy with their behavior, and you are giving them freedom to make some of their own decisions.

For the older kiddos (ages 8-13) and teenagers, it still involves following their lead, but it becomes more sophisticated. Maybe you decide to play your child’s favorite video game with him, work on a large puzzle together, or bake some cookies together. During that special 10-15 minutes, you make a concerted effort to listen to your child in a nonjudgmental way. Ask open-ended questions about their day, offer advice only when they ask for it, and let go of expectations, chores, demands, nagging questions, and everything else that your child gets plenty of throughout the rest of his day.

Parents who consistently spend even 10-15 minutes of quality time with their children and teens are likely to see lasting benefits. It seems obvious, but when you think about it, how often do you really engage with your child in a meaningful way like this? When we ask parents to start doing this with their kids, they almost always come back with positive results. The kids’ disruptive behaviors start to decrease, the relationship between child/teen and parent improves, and both child and parent report being happier at home. Kids start to crave this time with their parents, and teenagers start to open up and trust their parents with more sensitive issues.

Think about it. As an adult, don’t you feel better when a loved one listens to you “vent” about your day? Don’t you enjoy having some freedom to make day-to-day choices? Give your child these same opportunities on a daily basis, and we bet you will see some lasting improvements in your interactions with him or her over time.

 

 

 

 

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